It has been three weeks since our last update, and quite a bit has happened since then. Things are going well. I’ve had a hard time blogging, however. First of all, I’m scared to give a positive report. I don’t want to jinx anything. I’m normally a sane, logical type, so I’m aware of how absolutely ridiculous this is. However, this isn’t the first time I’ve felt superstitious during the IVF process (and apparently this is common–women in my support group talk about this all the time). Secondly, there are so many people out there who are still struggling and coping with the madness of infertility. I would never want to flaunt my pregnancy, or makes others who are still going through this process feel badly. Thus, it has been hard to want to sit down and write, when on a daily basis I read other’s blogs who are still going through the nightmare of infertility. There’s a strange sense of guilt that comes from overcoming this challenge.
Right now, we don’t feel like we fit in anywhere. Moms and pregnant women who conceived naturally don’t really share the same perspective (don’t even get me started on those online groups of women who share your due date. I have nothing in common with these women and find their complaining about pregnancy symptoms to be incredibly irritating). At the same time, we don’t really fit in with the infertile crowd completely either. It’s been weird to give up my monthly Resolve meetings. I miss the support, and the ability to speak to people who totally understand what it feels like to go through this process.
I feel like the first trimester of pregnancy after IVF is its own purgatory. We’re so desperate to be on the other side of this struggle. Pregnancy has not solved a lot of the issues I thought it would. I’m still worried that I might never be a Mom. I’m worried something could happen to my baby, and that I’d be forever scarred by loss. This is hard to admit, and harder to write about. I know it isn’t positive, and it isn’t optimistic, but it is something I think about on almost a daily basis.
Despite these emotional struggles I’m facing, things have been going well. The bleeding I was experiencing has completely stopped. I’m 10.5 weeks pregnant. At our last appointment with our RE at 8 weeks, 6 days, we got to see Casper on the ultrasound. He was kicking his little legs and flailing his arms the whole time. It was so cute! His heart rate was strong at 182 beats per minute. That day we graduated from the infertility clinic. At first, this was incredibly exciting. We are so pumped to have that chapter behind us. However, being transferred to the regular OBGYN is a brand new experience. This is the longest wait we’ve had to go between ultrasounds, and it is scary. I bought a Doppler so we could listen to Casper’s heartbeat at home in the meantime, and I wasn’t able to locate it. I think he’s still too small. You can probably imagine, this didn’t calm my fears at all.
A week ago, I was taken off all my medication. As much as I’m happy to not have those daily injections anymore, and constant leaking from the suppositories, going off the meds was absolutely terrifying. I worried pretty much all week that perhaps my RE had taken me off the meds too soon. I’m finally starting to really settle in to the idea that I trust my RE, he’s done this thousands of times, and he knows what he’s doing. I might be starting to relax a little bit. I’m sure Chris will be relieved when I can start to feel more at ease in this pregnancy. Poor guy has been on 24/7 reassurance duty, and I’m sure it’s not easy for him either.
I’ll leave you with a picture of Casper, who is starting to look less like the friendly ghost, and more like a gummy bear. 🙂