During the course of our two IVF treatments, I always thought once we got that BFP my fears would subside, and I’d be able to relax a little more. I imagined myself relishing in the good news, and feeling more at ease than ever. Oh, how I wish this were true.
I’m five weeks pregnant today, and feel like I’ve turned into a full-time hypochondriac. I’m over analyzing every symptom, and even wondering if it’s been too long between symptoms. Like why don’t I feel morning sickness today when I felt it two days ago? And how come I still feel that cramping in my uterus? Do I feel sick enough? Tired enough? Pregnant enough? It’s driving me crazy(ier).
I’m already so attached to the idea of baby Casper. I’ve been thinking about him nonstop since we got confirmation that I was pregnant. Even the fact that we know he’s a boy makes it more real. I’ve pictured myself rocking, swaddling, and cuddling my son. I’ve thought about all the things he and Chris are going to do together. I’ve looked at baby pictures of my husband and wondered if Casper will look like him. I have his nursery completely planned out. I’ve thought about him playing with his cousins, and seeing them become best buddies. If I suddenly found out that was all going to be taken away, I don’t know how I could recover.
The fact is, after a positive pregnancy result, us IVFers have so much riding on the line. I keep thinking about how if, heaven forbid, I have a miscarriage, it’s not like I can just “start trying” and get pregnant again on my own. This process is time consuming, and emotionally, physically, and financially draining. And we’d have to start from scratch with another FET. Ugh. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach (or is that the nausea again)?
In order to allay the fear, and ease the anxiety, I’ve been working hard to combat it. For starters, I’ve pinned about 1,001 different affirmations for pregnancy on one of my secret Pinterest boards. Some of my favorites come from this website. Additionally, I downloaded an album on iTunes by Bree Taylor Molyneaux, and have been listening to a track on repeat called “Affirmations for Early Pregnancy.” It does seem to be helping, and sinking in a bit. I’m also working on making a vision/dream board for my pregnancy. It’s a total work in progress, but the goal is for me to think positively about my pregnancy, and visualize what a healthy, happy pregnancy would be for me.
When all else fails, I just remind myself of the facts. My baby is chromosomally normal. I’m healthy. I have the ability to carry this baby to term.
I keep hoping that confirmation of hCG levels rising, which we should have on Friday, will help to further diminish my fears. I’m probably going to be so nervous on Friday until we get that phone call.
Come on, Casper. We believe in you, and we love you. 💙