Worry During Early Pregnancy: The Struggle is Real

During the course of our two IVF treatments, I always thought once we got that BFP my fears would subside, and I’d be able to relax a little more. I imagined myself relishing in the good news, and feeling more at ease than ever. Oh, how I wish this were true. 

I’m five weeks pregnant today, and feel like I’ve turned into a full-time hypochondriac. I’m over analyzing every symptom, and even wondering if it’s been too long between symptoms. Like why don’t I feel morning sickness today when I felt it two days ago? And how come I still feel that cramping in my uterus? Do I feel sick enough? Tired enough? Pregnant enough? It’s driving me crazy(ier). 

I’m already so attached to the idea of baby Casper. I’ve been thinking about him nonstop since we got confirmation that I was pregnant. Even the fact that we know he’s a boy makes it more real. I’ve pictured myself rocking, swaddling, and cuddling my son. I’ve thought about all the things he and Chris are going to do together. I’ve looked at baby pictures of my husband and wondered if Casper will look like him. I have his nursery completely planned out. I’ve thought about him playing with his cousins, and seeing them become best buddies. If I suddenly found out that was all going to be taken away, I don’t know how I could recover. 

The fact is, after a positive pregnancy result, us IVFers have so much riding on the line. I keep thinking about how if, heaven forbid, I have a miscarriage, it’s not like I can just “start trying” and get pregnant again on my own. This process is time consuming, and emotionally, physically, and financially draining. And we’d have to start from scratch with another FET. Ugh. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach (or is that the nausea again)?

In order to allay the fear, and ease the anxiety, I’ve been working hard to combat it. For starters, I’ve pinned about 1,001 different affirmations for pregnancy on one of my secret Pinterest boards. Some of my favorites come from this website. Additionally, I downloaded an album on iTunes by Bree Taylor Molyneaux, and have been listening to a track on repeat called “Affirmations for Early Pregnancy.” It does seem to be helping, and sinking in a bit. I’m also working on making a vision/dream board for my pregnancy. It’s a total work in progress, but the goal is for me to think positively about my pregnancy, and visualize what a healthy, happy pregnancy would be for me. 

When all else fails, I just remind myself of the facts. My baby is chromosomally normal. I’m healthy. I have the ability to carry this baby to term. 

I keep hoping that confirmation of hCG levels rising, which we should have on Friday, will help to further diminish my fears. I’m probably going to be so nervous on Friday until we get that phone call. 

Come on, Casper. We believe in you, and we love you. πŸ’™

17 thoughts on “Worry During Early Pregnancy: The Struggle is Real

  1. B.s says:

    I tried to tell you, the worry will never end. I’m a bit over 7months today and it’s a worry everyday! You never know what can happen and I think to myself, my gosh if I worry this much before she’s here just imagine how much I will worry about her when she is here! It’s all normal!! But all you can do is take care of yourself, hope, pray, think positive and let it be. Everything your thinking and feeling is normal. Oh and some food for thought: you worry when you aren’t nauseous, I haven’t been sick not once, no morning sickness, not one single craving, didn’t even feel pregnant, until my belly finally popped out at around 6months, and I started feeling her move, that’s when it felt real to me. So keep in mind, those things that you think are “normal” parts of pregnancy, aren’t necessarily, because everyone is different! Chin up, positive thoughts, and sending tons of love and prayers your way!! πŸ’—

    Liked by 1 person

    • heatherhopeful says:

      You’re so right! And you just made me laugh thinking about how much I’m going to fuss over him when he gets here if I can’t get this under control! I really want to work on this anxiety because I know it’s not healthy. Praying and keeping positive thoughts is definitely the way to go. Thanks, beautiful! πŸ’ž

      Liked by 1 person

  2. mandalynnphoto says:

    Hi! My name is Amanda and I blog at mrsttc.com. I’m exactly 5 weeks today also after our 3rd round of IVF. I’m having the exact same symptoms coming and going and I worry non stop. My husband seems to be moving on like it’s all good from here and I’m worrying all the time!!! I to have pinned away and have the nursery planned to a t. I just wanted to wish you good luck and send some positive thoughts your way!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. g2the4thpower says:

    This first stretch is the roughest & toughest to get through. I found the hypnotherapy mp3s for ivf and then for pregnancy helped me to relax when I wasn’t sleeping well. Hang in there! Before you know it you’ll be swaddling. Xx

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  4. Sondra says:

    Try not to put too much worry into symptoms. I found that people typically think the more symptoms the better and this is just not true. I know we look for reassurance, but it’s okay to feel okay or not have symptoms at all. I’ve had 4 miscarriages and all my pregnancies have been different. One of my worst, I had the most symptoms and it didn’t end well, and this one? Has been my easiest. And it terrified me bc everyone would ask about my symptoms! But I’ll be 15wks on Sat, chromosomal testing came back normal, and I keep being told I’m normal. I know it’s hard, but I hope you can find joy and excitement in right now. You are pregnant! Also, I used Circle Bloom’s pregnancy meditation anytime I felt anxious and that helped so much! Thinking of you and hoping everything continues to go well! You are taking the right steps to control your anxiety and that’s all you can do.

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  5. Nara says:

    I can completely relate and I’ve only been through this once… The thought of “trying again” is so daunting. It’s not like trying again… It’s all the appointments and medicines and so on. I really feel that Casper is going to do brilliantly! He has to! Plus you should totally give him that name when he arrives – so cute! πŸ™‚ Sending you lots of good thoughts for Casper!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. hopelovetears says:

    Totally understand this feeling after having 3 miscarriages and being an IVFer myself. Truthfully it never goes away but it gets much much easier in the second trimester and once you start feeling them move. Only then I worry when I don’t feel him enough! I guess it’s only a glimpse of what parenthood is like, right?! Try and enjoy each day that you are pregnant. I focused on each day and really made it an effort to be thankful for the moment. Even at 22 weeks I ended up in the hospital with a huge bleed and passed a large blood clot. I thought we were losing him. But here I am 24 weeks and everything couldn’t be better. So always have hope!!

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  7. TryTryAgain says:

    Bless you, I’m with you on this! I’m 7.5 weeks pregnant after 5 miscarriages and every day is a worry, but my mum always says that part of being a mother is worrying – whether your baby is in your belly, at school, or all grown up! And I think she’s probably right! I’m trying to go with it and hope for the best, that’s all that we can do really. I’m so hopeful that Casper is snuggling in nicely and that you get good news on Friday. Lots of love xx

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  8. myendofertilityjourney says:

    Big hugs to you! Can only imagine the worry just continues on 😦 You will probably feel a bit better once you get the first ultrasound hopefully! You got this girl!!

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  9. Julia C. says:

    As hard as it is, try to enjoy every day and moment of being pregnant with your little bean. I worried through my whole pregnancy and wish I would have cherished each day more. I know it’s easier said then done but stay positive and have faith.

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  10. srabird says:

    totally feel the same! If only we had those crystal balls that could should us a picture of July 2016, cuddling a little baby (hopefully!) I love the pregnancy affirmation cards – never seen those before x

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  11. ashleykyleanderson says:

    Ohh yes, I have several posts nearly identical to this one. Welcome to the club. 😦 I was definitely NOT prepared for what pregnancy is like post-infertility. Like you, I had assumed that once we got that wonderful news, it would be nothing but sunshine for the next 9 months. Before I had experienced it for myself, it even hurt to read other women’s posts who had been through IVF and gotten their BFPs only to say that life wasn’t perfect on the other side. I remember thinking, “How is that possible?? You’re pregnant! You have what we all want!” But it’s so true, the struggle continues. A lot of (fertile) people in my life tried to reassure me that it was this way for everyone, that they had all worried about loss too… but infertility/IVF has a way of magnifying everything, and this was no exception. I think it’s because you finally have something tangible to lose now. You’ve started imagining what things are going to be like, you’ve even given him a little nickname. And you had to fight so hard for all of that.

    That first trimester really dragged on for me. I was terrified all the time. I even got close to having a couple of panic attacks about what could happen. It wasn’t the way I had always imagined it, and that was a painful reality too. The (fertile) people in my life told me that I wouldn’t worry at all anymore by 10-12ish weeks, but that wasn’t true for me. And then they couldn’t really understand why I was still so scared and were frustrated by it. I always expected the next week or milestone to ease my fears but every time I was still just as worried– or more so, because I’d become even more attached. It wasn’t until very recently that I started feeling more comfortable– sometime after the 20 week mark something clicked, though I do still have fears and worries. I will warn you that it is really tough to wait in between those ultrasounds for confirmation that he’s okay, but once you feel him moving there is much more peace of mind.

    Anyway, all that to say… try to enjoy as much as you can, but don’t be surprised if it takes a while for you to feel more comfortable. I wish someone had been able to warn me that it can take so much longer to get there when you’ve been through infertility and IVF. You WILL get there though, which is the good thing. And like every other struggle you’ve been through before this, it will all be worth it when you hold little Casper in your arms. There are going to be tough parts ahead but also really wonderful parts too!! Do your best to focus on those: telling your family & friends, hearing the heartbeat, feeling those first kicks, watching Chris get to feel Casper’s movements for the first time, having a reason to walk into baby and maternity stores, seeing him wiggle about on an ultrasound screen, choosing names, putting together the room you will bring him home to… the list goes on. And I promise that the good really does outweigh the bad. ❀

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  12. andrearhooper2014 says:

    I know you probably need to hear uplifting things, but the truth is, I’m still terrified. Ugly tears terrified. When they sleep for longer than 30 minutes at a time I think to myself “Glory be, I get a breath.” But then comes the flood. “Oh God, is he still breathing? What if the last thing I thought was ‘I am glad I don’t have to see him for a bit.’! Did I tell him I loved him? Why didn’t I pick him up instead of doing the dishes? I should go check on him. Andrea, don’t be ridiculous, he is two and SIDS is over. I am going to go check on him.” It continues some days UNTIL I check on him. Many nights I can’t sleep. If I can’t hear Patrick breathing for a minute I am scared and have to check on him, and if I can hear him, he is soooo loud for a baby!! haha! We were playing in the side yard yesterday, I looked up and Thomas was walking down the street. I screamed and ran after him, which made him giggle and run away. I spanked him for the first time in his little life. I could feel all my strength leave me as I struck my little baby boy. I made him from scratch, why am I hitting him? What if I am teaching him to hit? What if I am raising a bully? What if I don’t discipline him and he does this again when a car comes by? All decisions become monstrous things. Should I let him use electronics to keep up with his age? What if I am stealing his ability to entertain himself in the process? And I then I hear of a wreck, or a drowning, or a kidnapping…. Some days putting away the fear is so hard. I know infertility adds a whole layer to your struggle that I can not truly comprehend, but I am here to say it is always going to be there. It is a “symptom” of mommyhood. We rip our hearts out of our chests and give them to very tiny people to hold. If it wasn’t such a blessing, it wouldn’t be so scary.

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    • andrearhooper2014 says:

      Leslie doesn’t know you blog and she just sent me this message… “So today is again one of those days where I can’t tell if it’s exhaustion, depression or both that I’m dealing with. Why don’t tell you how batt shit crazy your going to be when you become a mom. Anxious about everything, scared of everything, I’m seriously about to check myself into a nutty house but then realized I live it one.” ~ Hahahaha. We are all one hot mess. I am thrilled to be riding the hormonal roller coaster with you, Heather. πŸ˜€

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  13. expecting to be expecting says:

    I felt the same way. The cramping was so scary because it reminded me of my miscarriages. Sometimes I’d cry in the bathroom at work because I was having a war in my head about it.

    I find the anxiety stats but is different as you hit milestones. In my case, they are soothing me to hit them, but by bit. I also recommend a Doppler. But you have to expect not to find baby until 10/12 weeks so that if you don’t tight away, the pressure is off. Once you do find it, it’s very reassuring. And it’s mind expanding to watch your little bean ‘move up’ your tummy. When we started, Smoochie hung out at the top of my pubic hair. He’s now about 1/2 an inch below my belly button!

    Also don’t feel guilty or worried when you experience moments of no fear or contentedness. I did for a bit and worried bad things would sneak up on me for not being ‘vigilant’ – you’re allowed and supposed to enjoy this as much as you can 😍😍😍😍😘

    Liked by 1 person

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