Chris is now a pseudo-nurse. Tonight will be his third time administering a shot of Delestrogen into the muscle of my upper buttocks. I knighted him as shot-giver since that’s a pretty tough area to inject on yourself. I was going to try it, because I’d way rather give myself my own injections, but the angle is a little tricky.
The first time, it was a super smooth process. I didn’t even really feel it, and I was surprised when Chris told me it was over. The only downside is it bled quite a bit. I couldn’t get the injection site to stop bleeding for about 15-20 minutes. Finally, after lots of pressure, it quit. The second injection stung so badly–it felt like a hot poker into one of my nerves. The upside was there was no blood at all. Go figure.
I’ve been incredibly emotional lately. I feel so sad and depressed. So many things have set it off. First, I found out Chris’s cousin is having a baby girl. She decided to announce the gender to everyone in the family except for us. She told Chris’s brother she didn’t tell us “for obvious reasons” (I’m guessing our infertility). Still, it sucked to find out the news from someone else in the family. Does she really think avoiding us is going to make it easier? We’re going to find out either way! I felt like an infertile outcast, not to mention hurt and excluded. Granted, I understand she’s in a lose-lose situation. It’s not easy to tell people news that you know is going to be tough for them. I don’t really know how to reconcile this, other than just chalking it up to the fact that people really don’t know how to act when you’re infertile.
As I was driving to work this morning, I was passing a semi filled with hogs. Every time the semi driver would get on the brakes in traffic, the hogs would begin to squeal. This made me feel so emotional I wanted to just start bawling. I am definitely an animal lover, and I know this would’ve affected me even without the shots of estrogen in my system. However, I feel like the hormones made it a lot worse.
This weekend I went to another Resolve meeting. This one was only women, and it was interesting to hear the different perspectives of the women there. The girl next to me shared that the synthetic hormones make her incredibly depressed. I totally related and connected to that sentiment. Although the stim phase never seems to affect me, the shots of estrogen, which I’ve never had in the past, seem to be doing a number on me emotionally. I’m ready for this process to be over.
I am beyond nervous about transfer. I am so terrified of getting another negative beta. I can’t even describe how traumatizing that would be. I am so afraid that this is going to destroy me emotionally if it doesn’t work out. The fear is almost paralyzing. It’s hard to be positive, because there’s so much riding on these results. I don’t know what to do. Every day I worry about the success or failure of our transfer. It’s a huge weight on my shoulders.
After doing lots of research, and speaking with my OB/GYN, I am definitely leaning towards transferring two embryos, while Chris is leaning towards transferring one. We intend to talk to our RE in further detail next time we see him. Even though we aren’t on the same page with our desires for transfer, Chris and I are getting along well. We are definitely able to talk about it without any frustration or argument at this point.
Total random sidenote: I don’t know what to call this transfer. It’s technically our second frozen embryo transfer, but it’s also our second complete IVF cycle. So do we call it IVF #2: FET #1 or is it IVF #2: FET #2?
Either way, I hope it’s our last!