Emotional limbo. Do we stay positive? Do we prepare for the worst? Will we be okay with the outcome? If not now, maybe someday?
After Chris’s MESA/TESE yesterday the urologist saw just one sperm twitching. He expected to see most of them gain motility a few hours after the procedure. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.
Today we have five twitchers. Chris has plenty of sperm, so that’s a little surprising and not nearly as many as our urologist hoped for. He’s going to let the sperm incubate without freezing them and see what happens. He said some men’s motility is slow to get started. He explained peak motility is typically observed on day 4 or 5, which, as luck would have it, is right around my retrieval day. The doctor said as long as Chris has as many moving sperm as I have eggs, we are good.
That brings us to me. We measured 15 eggs on the ultrasound today. My RE is happy with the way they are growing and progressing. It was hard to get excited when he told me everything on my end looks great and I’m almost done. I have to give myself more shots in a few minutes, and I’ve never been so unmotivated to do the injections as I am now.
I know we have other options, but right now I really can’t process the idea of using donor sperm or even adopting. My heart is set on the success of IVF. I don’t want to get hurt. I’m scared about what this will do to Chris if this doesn’t work. I’m afraid of the overwhelming sadness we’ll have if we find out kids are not in the cards for us. We want a family so badly, and I truly believe we’d be wonderful parents.